Friends helping friends

The lovely Nick Crustacean and his Wifely are about to experience their second child, and are having a bit of trouble finding a boy's name, should that be what emerges. So to speak.

Just in time, the Canberra Times has thoughtfully published their annual babe-fest Babies of 2004: A 36 page lift-out of some of Canberra and the surrounding region's beautiful and beloved babies - life being what it is, the ugly and resented children have not had large expensive pictures of themself put in the paper.

After years of ignoring rubbish like this, Mallrat has shown me the love in the local throwaway, and I highly recommend this particular example.

Now they have a girl's name (leftover from the Dude, but she need never know that). This is a real shame, as there is now no point suggesting:

Makayla - two of them, if you will. They are the equivalent of a Tracey, I think, for my generation.
Teah Mercedez Dione - efficency plus. Who needs a porn name? Or a dictionary?
Elodie - I'm guessing like Melody, but unmusical.
Bryannah - my friend Beck has the best test for baby names. You stand on the back step and yell it as loud as you can for half an hour. Then see if you like it. Knocked "Tara" off her list. These parents obviously did not perform the test.
Ashalea - that Big Brother chick, right? The dense one with the teenybopper accessories? Why?

Best of all, someone very silly or lacking contact with popular culture has lumbered a sweet looking little thing with ... Ebonnie Rene. Let's hope vintage Australian TV comedy is a thing of the past when poor Ebonnie Rene grows up.

It is probably a good thing Nic and family are not having a girl - I mean apart from never being able to top Ebonnie Rene - because it seems to involve a lot of ludicrous head gear. Fortunately, there is a wealth of boysie choices:

Denver - what, as in John? that poor child. Bizarrely , O thought this was a cool name. Hope we have a daughter next time.
Taylor Vee - like TV, hunh? Weird.
Tynnen James - This sounds more like a syndrome than a kid's name.
Brock Jayden - according to my friend Kyles, who knows this stuff, almost every Scott and Jason in the country end up in jail.* I predict that Brocks and Jaydens are the Scotts and Jasons of the future.
Cohen - because every kid needs something to be picked on. Jewboy. **
Bradan John - Brad an John? Or just Brad?

I don't know what column Jayden Estrella should go in, but rest assured s/he is being "cradled in the depths of our souls" as I write.

There are other predictably naff messages, with much talk of angels, princesses and little men. I'm guessing many of these babies are first children, or there would have been more messages like this one:

"Poos! Poos! Poos! Aaren does Poos! Love your big brother Thomas (7 years)"

Poor Thomas. I bet they've stashed away pictures of him holding his dick ready for his twenty first in 2017.

Suggestions for next year's hoax entries will be entertained in the comments box.



* Except of course for my cousins Scott and Jason. Well, maybe Jason. Sorry, Scotty.

** Oh, I totally heart jews, don't wig out on me.