How to pick a fight with Telstra

1. Make some nice sandwiches and a thermos of something soothing to drink. Put on comfortable shoes, and go to the toilet. Perform exercises to strengthen smiling muscles. Gird loins.
   
2. Make your way to the nearest Telstra shopfront. It may be helpful to hum some inspirational music on the way. “Ride of the Valkyries” did the trick for me. Remember, on no account should you raise a complaint with Telstra via the telephone. There is no evidence that those “people” answering the phone are in fact human.
   
3. Discreetly yet deftly verify that you are dealing with a human in the shopfront. (Check for weird eye stuff, odd skin texture, etc).
   
4. Explain your problem clearly and succinctly. Make them ring Telstra.
   
5. When they ask what would be satisfactory if the obvious solution is not possible, refuse to countenance any alternative, less satisfactory solution. Smile.
   
6. Maintain equilibrium when the “people” on the other end of the phone tell the shop human that they are “reluctant” to fix the stuff up. Casual mention of law degree and potential outbursts of vicious temper can be made at this point, but only with a smile and head tilt.
   
7. Say “yes” when they say “would you like to make an escalated complaint?” Smile.
   
8. Go back the next week, and escalate your escalated complaint because no one has been in contact with you. Smile.
   
9. Repeat steps 1-8 until desired result acheived or complainant expires.