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Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Things What I Have Read In Garbage Magazines

Yes, it's a new series! lately Mum has taken to giving me things and saying "there has to be a blog post in that", which is very kind, don't you think? (I am enormously glad that poor old Mum wouldn't even know how to turn a computer on, btw, but she knows blogging makes me happy and she likes that. Love you too, Mum.)

Anyhoo, Mum has made a new friend on her morning constitutional. Her friend lives next door to a newsagent who rips the cover off unsold magazines and gives them to her (I think they only need send the cover back for the sale-or-return thingo). So I have acquired a pile of quality magazines that are totally without merit of any kind, except insofar as they provide blogfodder.

Our first entry is from the August 2005 Girlfriend, tagline "Australia's Best Girls Mag". Jeez the others must be crap. There are almost no articles, just lots of scraps of text in little boxes. Also there is much pink. The best section is called "How Embarrassment" and features humiliating anecdotes allegedly penned by teenyboppers desperate to win an outfit from one of those shops that makes all their clothes a size 4.

My second fave (and I only made up the italicised bits):
Dropped for droppings, from Poo Head of Wangaratta

My crush and I were going on a date when we decided to find a spot at the park. As we were sitting down, an extremely large bird (an albatross?) flew past, leaving its markings on my face. My crush was disgusted and left me alone in the park covered in poo (well, who's to say that wasn't his intention in the first place?)

Rather good, I thought, but no match for:
Pooper Scooper, from Grotty of Curtin

I was over at my BF's house and we were talking about taking our relationship (heh) to the next level. I was down to my knickers (which I agree makes the conversation really flow) when all of a sudden they felt wet and heavy. I'd just experienced a bad case of diahorrea and some of it landed on his bed. I quickly scooped it up with my hand and apologised. Needless to say we never took our relationship to the next level. (which is good, isn't it, because I think we'd all agree that coprophilia is really one step too far until you're a proper grown-up. Who does their own washing.)

Coming soon: Wild Deer and Hunting Adventures, Spring 2005